The Bark Monster.....

Sophie the wino!

Crash into me.....

Dave Matthews Band concert tix at Blossom go on sale this Saturday! I am so excited I could pee my pants.....damn, think I did a little!

Wood (yep, I said wood Beavis)

I work in a doctor's office. We are in 2 doc/2 secretary groups. The doc that used to have the office next to mine moved down the hall to his new chairman's office. So, we have a new doc moving in. His office furniture is a bit too big for the office so the carpenters are down here making adjustments.
One yells out to the other, “Hey Mike, you got a longer shaft?”
Mike says, “No.”
Now why would he admit that?! They are very, very serious and it was all I could do not to laugh out loud.

Last bit of tomfoolery for the day!

Last one for today! So, as I said, I went to a really cool school in South Euclid….Victory Park. They tore it down a year or two after I left and put in an ACME. I think it is a Giant Eagle now. Anywhooo, my kindergarten class was kick @ss, my teacher was awesome and I loved it! We had a sand box in our classroom. We could play with it at recess, before class etc. So, one day (and mind you I was the picture of innocence with my blonde locks and bright blue eyes sporting Garanimals!) we are playing in the sand box. I don’t remember why, but I screamed really, really loud. The teacher (Miss. Winter – can’t believe I remember her name) was PISSED! She demanded to know who screamed like that. I immediately said “Jimmy.” He never denied it either! So, he had to stay after school. I felt bad, but what’s a girl to do? Jimmy, if you are out there and reading this I apologize.

More memories

On to 1st grade, and that should end it for the reminiscing today. My teacher was Miss. Medic. She was pretty cool. For Halloween someone brought in candy corn and we were all eating it. I have the bright idea to bite just the bottom part off and keep the top, white part. I go up to Miss. Medic’s desk and calmly inform her that my tooth fell out and show her the candy corn. She falls for it, hook, line and sinker. She immediately puts it in an envelope for easy transport home and makes me go out to the water fountain to rinse my mouth in case there was any blood or anything. Of course the kids who sat at the desks next to me watched as the drama unfolded, knowing full well that it was no tooth in that envelope. They all begin going to her with candy corn teeth. Yeah, she figured out what I did and she was none too pleased with me. I’m pretty sure she was laughing on the inside though. I don’t care who you are, that’s just funny.

One of many childhood stories

When I was young, kindergarten, I lived in South Euclid and walked to school. It wasn't that far, a few blocks and there were crossing guards at all of the intersections. Well, in order to keep me away from the road, my grandmother told me that if the garbage men caught me they would grind me up into hamburger meat and sell me at McDonald's. It worked, I stayed out of the road. However, one morning I was walking to school, minding my own business, and saw the garbage truck coming down the street. My mother said I came running back to the house screaming my head off, pigtails flying behind me. I was terrified! She had to take me to school that day. She was really pissed at my grandmother!

Blue Collar rip-off!

Bunghole sees me coughing, blowing nose, sneezing and walks up to me and says,
"Hey, you have a cold?"
I respond, "Nope, bad case of tennis elbow!"
Here's your sign!

Kleenex, please!

I have been bitten by the cold bug, and I'm pretty pissed about it. I started getting sick last Thursday, good old St. Patrick's day. Went home early (10:30 p.m.) from the evening's festivities and apparently left my voice at the bar. Good for my husband, bad for me. Stayed home sick on Friday. Daytime television sucks ass. Oh my God! How do people who don't work stand it? I would definitely have to smoke crack or drink heavily to deal with daytime T.V. I couldn't even find any good re-runs of T.J. Hooker or Love Boat. Hell, I would have settled for Golden Girls! I did, however, find Saved by the Bell......how in the hell did that show stay on for so long? Screech was the only cool character! In the later shows Zach was a total pussy falling all over himself to get Kelly. WTF? He was always the cool one, not her! Of course then she went on to be a total skank on 90210, but that's another story.

I still feel like crapola but had to come back to work today as the shenanigans of my coworkers are definitely more entertaining than the boob tube. Hell, watching a dog lick its own balls would be more interesting.

OH, I was blog surfing last week (yeah, I have some free time at work every now and then) and found this blog that some woman started. She was bashing everyone who is "negative, bitter, sarcastic" etc. in their blog and she was only going to write about positive stuff. Yeah, I got out of there A.S.A.P. Reading all of that uplifting shit burned my eyes a little!

Site update- I keep trying to put links to my fave bloggers (you'll notice that I somehow got "links" to change to "cool cats"), but can't figure out how the phuck to do it, so my good friend Brian is going to help me "write html." Don't know who that is, but we're going to write to him and get me some links!! So, stay tuned for really kick ass sites to check out.

Later gators.

Drivers NOT wanted

To all of my friends on Route 2,
You are all a bunch of asshole jerks. None of you knows how to drive properly, especially you blue hairs (what the hell are you doing out on a weekday anyway). Please refrain from driving during the hours of 7-8 a.m. and 5-6 p.m. Monday through Friday. You have been warned. Should you ignore this warning, I will run your stupid, ugly asses over and laugh maniacally while doing it.

Hugs and kisses,
Melanie

It won't fit in the hole!

I had to stop and get gas. As I have done this probably 24 million times in my life, I didn't really think too much about it. I swiped my credit card at the pump. I opened my gas tank. I took the nozzle off the pump and put it into my gas tank. Correction, I tried to put it in my gas tank. It wouldn't fit. I tried jamming it in there for about a minute. The nozzle was too big. After saying quite loudly, "what is wrong with this fucking gas station?" I realized much to my dismay that I had lifted the diesel nozzle. Good thing someone is thinking and made the nozzles different sizes! My hands stank like diesel fuel too. I now take the correct nozzle and fill my tank.

I went inside to get some washer fluid for my windshield. Nothing out of the ordinary inside. Came out with my fluid and the guy at the pump next to me (who probably overheard my inquiry as to what was wrong with the gas station) offered to put the fluid in my car for me. I thanked him kindly, but said that I could handle it. He insisted, about 3 times, so I let him. I am thinking now that he witnessed my diesel shennigans and feared that I would put the wiper fluid in the brake line container thingy!!! Course at the time I thought he offered because I looked dead sexy - I now realize it was my lack of automotive knowledge that prompted him.

Pieces of flair

"Mother... shitter... Son of an... ass" Name that movie! Shouldn't be difficult.

Went to the Sand Bar last night with my peeps. Like to give a shout out to Brian who drove all over God's green (well, crappy gray slush really) earth to let my dogs out so that I could attend! Thanks man, hope Sue repaid the favor (wink, wink)! I wonder if those bar grubs finished our cold, greasy french fries!

Also, do you think those guys knew I was kidding about the nipple hair comment??? To catch the rest of you up, I was commenting about how people keep asking me if I feel better since I quit smoking. I always say no, I didn't feel bad to begin with. Last night I added, rather loudly, that I was noticing an increase in nipple hair since I quit though. Pretty sure the entire table of strangers behind me overheard. Oh well, see if I let them braid it!

Sue and I went to the candy supply store last night before the bar as we are going to attempt to make our own candy! We spent like $80. I am thinking it would have been cheaper to buy the bagged candy, re-labeled it as our own, and given that out. Still haven't purchased a few necessary supplies such as wine so we should be over $100 when all is said and done. Good times, good times.

I thought of something really, really funny last night that I wanted to blog about and I then promptly forgot what it was. I'm still pissed because it was hysterical.

And to finish this post, wanted to let you know that my puppy Sophie is still a jackass. She began barking promptly at 4 a.m. and still hasn't stopped. I hope she grows out of this. I am thinking about getting one of those collars that shocks her when she barks, and poops in the house.

Peace out~

Grapes of Ass

After two bottles of white wine with my good friend Rachel last night, I had a brilliant idea to combat the chin acne that has been plaguing me of late. I very rarely get pimples on my butt, even though I would rather have them there than on my face! I figure I can go to a plastic surgeon and have them graft some ass tissue to my chin!!! Okay, yeah, sounded like a much better idea last night. Of course, then when I watch Back 2 the Future and Biff asks "What are you lookin' at, butt head" I'll feel personally offended!

Gravity sucks!

We're gonna get personal here for a second. I'd like to talk about gravity vs. boobs. Now, mine aren't as perky as when I was 18, but they're doing pretty well....not down around my knees yet. I am baffled by women who let the ladies rest on their bellies. Victoria's Secret makes awesome bras especially for the low hangers. I completely understand that after so much time stuck here on Earth, gravity is going to take its toll on the creamers, but come on - have some respect for your body, and those of us who have to look at it! So, to all the women out there who are too lazy to get a good over the shoulder boulder holder, you are making us all look bad. Actually, you make me look perkier, but you know what I'm getting at! Lift and separate for the sake of humanity. Probably be less war in the world if the boobies were high and dry where they should be. I am not an expert, but I think the repressed memory of accidentally walking in on my grandma while she changed is resurfacing.

Really?

Just read on CNN.com that the BTK killer "suspect" is depressed. Gee, ass, wonder how depressed your victims are. Oh, that's right, they're DEAD you dillhole.

Furthermore, how in the hell does this rate as newsworthy???? Effing media jerkoffs.

GD computer

I am so pissed. I just spent 10 minutes typing the best post about the w/e and my effing computer laughed at me and erased it. MOTHER OF GOD. I'll do it later, on someone else's computer because mine is a stupid whore.


***I take it back, the w/e post is there. My computer was just toying with me. Not funny computer, not funny at all.

I see stupid people. They're everywhere.

Man, Mondays are a real beyotch. I propose that Monday through Friday become the "weekend" and Saturday and Sunday the work week. I'll even work 12 hour days! Went to the Sprint PCS store yesterday and let me tell you that it is shocking I didn't machine gun down their stupid asses. Picture this, a lovely Sunday afternoon and after a couple of mimosas the husband decides he does in fact want to join this decade and wants a cell phone. Sure, fine why not. I rummage through the closet and come out with 2 old cell phones that hopefully we can trade in. One is so old they probably won't take it, but WTF gotta try. The bad stuff starts on the way to the store. I get behind every shit Sunday afternoon driver on the road. Now I am pissed. I start driving like I'm driving someone else's car and just don't care about the possible consequences. Weaving in and out of traffic. I think I may have lightly bumped someone, but hey - rubbin' is racin'. I have battled my way to within about a mile of the store. I pass a Jeep. I pass a non-descript Ford coupe type car. The end is in sight. Then, some effing blue hair gets in front of me. She is driving a big ass whale of a gas guzzler. She is braking about 400 feet before she needs to be. My head explodes.

After we put my head back together with some gum we found in the car, we make our way to the Sprint store. Walk in and there are 3 people working, and about 14 waiting to be waited on. Now, bear in mind that the mimosa buzz has worn off and we are on a tight schedule to get to volleyball. Our presence goes unnoticed. Not even an insincere be right with you. No, instead we have Schleprock 1 and Schleprock 2 both helping the same customer, Schleprock3 telling some guy what she can't do for him, and the rest of us standing around with our thumbs up our asses, which normally wouldn't bother me but after the ride to get there......well, my head is almost exploding again. After waiting for what seems like four thousand years, we still aren't acknowledged. I have now reached my limit of rage and it's time to go. I seriously had visions of jumping the counter and smacking S1 and S2 in the face before leaving, but figured I should save my strength for volleyball. If anyone out there knows why such freakin' stupid people are allowed to leave their houses, or group homes, I would really love to hear.

The topper of the weekend: Went roller skating on Saturday night which I haven't done in about 15 years. Walk in and as I'm paying some redneck hilljack wearing, I kid you not, a white wife-beater comes barrelling through all the children with a Marlboro Red hanging out of his mouth bellowing "hey, how do I get out to smoke?" I told my husband then and there that we were over, I've met my soul mate. Only thing that would have made it better? A spaghetti sauce stain on the front of the wife-beater. I almost flashed him my boobs! That's HOT!

Lunch time follies

I went to Subway for lunch today. I am inspired by Jared. I am waiting in line to order my 6" (size does matter) tuna on cheddar cheese bread with lettuce, pickles, green peppers and vinegar (I ask for "a little more" and the Harvard graduate working at Subway puts enough on to douche the entire Cleveland area). Anyway, do I get to look at some 6 foot tall piece of yummy man eye candy? Hell no. I get to look at Suzie McPantstootight who is sporting a lovely wedge for all of us poor folks who are trapped in line waiting for our sandwich artists. It was like a car wreck. I could not look away, even after throwing up a little in my mouth. So, note to all the ladies: please disengage all pants from ass crack prior to getting in line for food. It is not only nice, but proper lunch etiquette. Don't believe me? Ask Ms. Manners. She has a whole section on underwear lodged in the back door! By the way, Laura, was that a guy or a girl with a full beard who wrapped our sandwiches? I was oddly turned on by him/her.

The face

So, small children are now running from me in horror. This thing on my chin is worse. I shouldn't post a blog about it, but it is a large part of my life right now....literally! I just had to apply to get it its own zip code. I have named it Hermes. He is lobbying for independence from the rest of my head. I personally don't think he can survive without me. I would like to know if anyone knows where I can get a chinectomy. I don't care if it is experimental, I'm in. I think I would look dead sexy without a chin! It would save money on makeup! The only thing that could make this better is if a hair were growing out of it. Yeah, how I landed a husband I still don't get!

The dogs are back in town

Well, for those of you anxiously awaiting the news, the dogs are home safe and sound. Thanks to my awesome step-daughter Jennifer, Shadow and Sophie are secured within the house. Please do not attempt to call, e-mail, or visit them as they grounded for a month or so....especially Sandy who came home with a tattoo!

Why today is not fantabulous

1. The mother effing dog started barking at 3 a.m. and apparently was on a mission from God NOT TO STOP.
2. Both stupid dogs ran away this morning. Still aren't back. They are off roaming the neighborhood spreading cheer and love, and I am sitting here worried about them. They suck.
3. Been up since 3 a.m. thanks to #1.
4. Have a pimple on my chin, and I use that word loosely as it could actually be a conjoined twin finally showing up, that is roughly the size of Uganda. It hurts, has a pulse independent from the rest of my body, is distracting my co-workers, and is causing me blurred vision.
5. Did I mention my dogs are assholes?
6. I ordered what I thought was a whole sandwich at Au Bon Pain for about $47.50 and realized I got a half sandwich when I returned to my desk. I am hungry, and now pissed at Au Bon Pain. Apparently my chin tumor distracted them as well.
7. I went to the ATM to deposit two checks. No envelopes. Key Bank are a bunch of bastards.
8. My huband snores. 'Nuff said.

I am certain there is more, so I will add as crappy things come to me!

Way to go Dick

So, that snow storm that DICK Goddard predicted for yesterday, yeah that mother effer blew in to town today. I hear the roads are shit. I am so not prepared. Parked on the effing roof of my parking garage, left my hat at home and wore my fashion gloves, not the warm ones. Yesterday I had it covered. Eff Dick and eff Cleveland weather. I'm not bitter though.

Random thought

Whenever I read about or hear about the BTK killer, it makes me think of a new sandwich at Burger King. A sandwich I would never try of course, but still!

Shhhh, I have a secret

Last week I purchased a pair of black slippers at the gift shop at work. They are so comfortable. I am passing them off as regular shoes and my co-workers are none the wiser!!! I feel like such a bad girl!!!!!

Seriously, nobody should bowl like this

So, I went to see Rach and Melissa bowl last night. Now, for the record, I also bowl on a league. Perhaps I am too caught up in my bowling to notice the delightful folks at the bowling alley. Going as an observer was an eye opening experience. I noticed a few "types" of bowlers and will discuss a few briefly. I'm certain I'll leave someone out, so feel free to help me out.
1. Ballerina Bowler. This woman literally held her ball above her head as if it was an offering to God. Now, I may be discussing her purely out of jealousy. I know damn well if I tried that I would biff myself in the coconut....especially during the third game after approximatey 14 beers.
2. Pretty in Pink Bowler. This beyotch is a size -3 and wears cute little clothes including a little pink sweater that would fit my 4 year old niece. Not an ounce of fat on her. I hate her for this fact and this fact alone. Now I am not by any means a large person (go between size 4 and 6), but this A-hole makes me look morbidly obese. The only bright spot is that she bowls for shit. I could kick her ass in a roll off! Bring it on Barbie! I got a can of wup (spelled correctly??) ass with your name all over it.
3. Aerobic bowler. This health conscious bowler likes to get more of a work-out whilst hurling the ball down the alley. She repeats to herself "release, stretch 2, 3,4 and stretch 2,3,4" as she reaches towards the ceiling. She is a sporty spice wannabe and we should probably take her out. She's making us look bad.

Also, did you realize that almost literally everyone at the bowling alley smokes? I am an ex-smoker so it is bizarre that this bothers me, but really everyone does. Even the 4 1/2 year old little boy sitting next to me asked me for a light!

And, I am sure you were holding your breath waiting for this, YES there was a mullett spotting! These creatures will never go away, and I say good for them. They have found a haircut that they are comfortable with. I wonder if they know how to spell it?