My Therapist Claims There's Hope

He also said Nick is a puss infected SLUT.

Tuesday, August 30, 2005

What did you say???


As you may or may not know, I work for a doctor. Big whoop. Part of my job is to bring patients back to meet with him. Sometimes is sucks because then you put a face with a name and if they don't make it, it can be sad. Sometimes it is fun because you get really cool patients who laugh and joke with you. Yesterday I was bringing this really crabby, smart ass patient back. He was in a wheel chair and his wife was wheeling him. His bitching started immediately when she took a bump too fast and apparently caused his nuts to smack together.

I went into the waiting room and called his name. When he answered I said "Hi, I'm Melanie and I'm going to take you back to meet Dr. Pepper*."

He responds, "Oh, there really IS a Dr. Pepper?"
I want to kick him in his 500lb leg, but I resist the urge and smile politely.

"Yes sir, and if you come with me I'll take you to meet him."

I then have to hear how they have been at the hospital for like 20 hours for testing.
I want to yell BULLSHIT, but I resist the urge.

They finally go in and meet with Dr. Pepper. Of course they are sweet as pie with him. They come out all smiles. Whatever.

As I'm showing him and his wife how to get out of the office area the patient says "He seems like a really nice guy. He is a nice guy?"

I respond with a hearty "Yes, he is a really nice man to work for and a very good surgeon."

The patient says off-handedly "Would you let him do you?"

My mouth dropped and I said in my best you've just offended me tone "Excuse me??"

His wife turns bright red.

He says "No, no. I mean would you let him operate on you?"

As my face turned bright red I said "Of course, yes I would let him operate on me."

I am still embarrassed thinking about it!


So, how was your day?


*(names changed to protect the innocent)

Thursday, August 25, 2005

That stupid twat has returned. You all shall feel the wrath.


Things you should not do while PMS’ing

1. Speak with anyone
2. Leave your desk
3. Go seek lunch during peak hours as you are bound to punch someone in the throat
4. Drive a car
5. Did I mention speak to anyone?
6. Eat everything you see
7. Attempt to concentrate on anything
8. Smile – it totally looks fake
9. Get caught without a supply of Midol or at the very least Motrin.
10. Act like you aren’t suffering from severe and sudden mood swings. You aren’t fooling anyone!

Things I want to eat whilst PMS’ing

1. Chocolate (duh)
2. Chips
3. Pepperoni pizza
4. Peanut butter and honey sandwiches
5. Chocolate milkshakes with potato chips
6. M&M’s
7. ICE CREAM
8. ICE CREAM
9. ICE CREAM
10. Nothing healthy

Things I actually have eaten today

See above

People I want to donkey punch whilst PMS’ing

1. Your Mom
2. The lady at the pharmacy who did not get my prescription ready even though I called that bitch yesterday and she said it would be ready by lunch….yesterday.
3. The dude at Au Bon Pain who charged me for a soda even though I only had water. He now walks with a limp, and not the good kind.
4. The A-hole who made me come in today for a 7 a.m. meeting
5. The A-hole who flipped their car on MLK and caused me to be late for said meeting
6. My co-worker (NOT LO LO) who asked the dumbest ever questions during said meeting.
7. My husband simply because 1) this is his fault and 2) he looked so comfy sleeping this morning when I got up for work.
8. Probably Nick because he’ll make some smart ass comment
9. The jerkoff lady on the skyway with the really ugly green sequin purse for walking very slowly in front of me, and somehow getting in the beverage line in front of me at Au Bon Pain. YOU SUCK.
10. All men. We get our period, you get wet dreams. Real fucking fair assholes.

Hugs and kisses mother bitches!

Musical Thursday




I know it is sort of hip to be a Dave Matthews Band basher and I'm not quite sure what that is about. Jealousy perhaps? In any case, the following is a beautiful love song and I am pretty sure he wrote it with we me in mind. Try not to attack simply because it is DMB - it really is quite lovely. It is one of my fave songs off the new album and I thought I would share.

Dave Matthews Band - Steady As We Go

I walk half way around the world,
Just to sit down by your side.
And I would do most anything girl,
To be the apple of your eye.

Troubles they may come and go,
But good times they are the gold.
And if the road gets rocky girl,
Just steady as we go.

Any place you want to go,
Know I'll be next to you.
If it's treasure baby you’re looking for,
I'll search the whole world through.

Know troubles they may come and go,
But good times they are the gold.
So if the road gets rocky girl,
Just steady as we go.

When the storm comes,
You shelter me.
And I don't say a word,
But you know exactly what I mean.
In the darkest times,
You shine on me.
You set me free.
And keep me steady as we go.

So if your heart rings dry my love,
I will fill your cup.
And if your load gets heavy girl,
I will lift you up.

Troubles they may come and go,
But good times be the gold.
So if the road gets rocky girl,
Just steady as we go.

Hold me,
Shine on me.
Oh, shine, shine,
Shine on me.
Shine, shine
Yeah shine on me.
Hey shine.

Wednesday, August 24, 2005

Not as tough as he looked.....


I totally kicked this jackoff's ass in a toy store in New York City. Do not mess with me!

Tuesday, August 23, 2005

Beer O'Clock

I have made a life altering, mind blowing, earth shattering decision.
I'm going to start getting dtrunk BEFORE work instead of after work. I think I've been doing it backwards all these years.

Just finishing my second day in and from hell. I sure hope tomorrow is better. If not, the new plan goes into effect. 5 mimosas for breakfast, and 3 screwdrivers for lunch.

Sure, this post may be lame but so am I so today. If you don't like it, bite me.

Kisses to my bitches!

you so crazy


Put a face with your crazy. I am this person.



I admit, I stole this from Ubie. Hope you don't mind!

Stolen photo





Here is a picure that I stole from Brian's site. I know, I should have smiled!

OK. For some reason I can't get the picture to show up, but if you click on it then you can see it. Sheesh!

It's all over 'cept the crying

The wedding was awesome.

Having said that, man it was a lot of work. I think I lost 5lbs in sweat. Friday worked 1/2 day and was at my Mom's setting up by 2:30ish. Set up tables, got the bar ready, and other misc. stuff. Took a break at about 5:40 p.m. to clean up and head to the gazebo for rehearsal. Went fine. Returned to Mom's for dinner and more set up.

I suggested to my cousin Chris that he break out the D.J. stuff to get the feel of it. I was then sent to K-Mart for garbage cans, lights for the port-o-pots, and other misc. stuff. Chris didn't know I left and played a Dave Matthews song for me!!!! The only one of the weekend and I missed it. When I returned I found that EVERYONE HAD LEFT. Oh well. Headed over to my sister's house where a couple of us spent the night with Jen.

Up early on Saturday at 6:30 a.m. to get showered and ready to go to the hair salon. Jen got her hair done and it looked gorgeous. Check out the Stork site for some great pics. Then Connie and Steph had their hair done. Now, I was under the impression that we were going with a more casual hair do. I was wrong. They had prom hair. Sarah and I had sort of regular hair with a flower in it. I did feel a bit self conscious but Bud Light took care of that feeling!

We made it to the Gazebo with only moments to spare as hair took a little longer than expected. Wedding went off without a hitch. As I walked up to the gazebo I looked at Marc (the groom) and said "you need to get out of here A.S.A.P." Big laughs. Then my sister Sarah walked up and said "she's 30 feet away, you aren't married yet." More laughs. (Name that movie.)

After the ceremony some of us wanted to go grab a bite to eat at either Friends or meet the rest of the gang at Panini's. Neither happened. We went back to the house, wolfed down 2 pieces of pizza and immediately started working again.

Had everything set, ready to go looking gorgeous and a mini-tornado blew through. Ok, not really, but there was a tornado in Medina which is not that far away. We did have a helluva storm come through. When that stopped we fixed everything that had been blown around.

The reception was AWESOME. The food was the best wedding food I have ever had. I think Dave and I will try to use them maybe for a housewarming party at the new house. Chris did an awesome job as DJ. Sue did an awesome job keeping the bar stocked. Brian did a great job of entertaining Dave since I was busy with wedding stuff, and I might have been a bit irritable....but in my defense I worked my ass off all weekend and it was hot as crotch and I was tired.

Went home about 1 a.m. and immediately fell asleep, even though I had suggested in the car that we take the dogs for a walk. What in the hell was I thinking????

I am still pretty exhausted but hope to be back to normal by this weekend!

P.S. Remember how I was waiting for the correct size dress??? It arrived Saturday. I tried it on before the reception and it was still huge. I wore it though because the other one looked even bigger due to wearing it all day and working in it. So, now I have two dresses if anyone wants to borrow one!

Thursday, August 18, 2005

Here comes the bride

This weekend is my sister Jennifer’s wedding. She is marrying a wonderful man named Marc. This is her second marriage and his first. I am so excited! I am the matron of honor and my sister Sarah is the maid of honor. Connie, Steph and Kelley are all bridesmaids. Though I know it is going to be a blast it is has been a little stressful getting to this point. Not nearly as stressful as other weddings, but nonetheless stressful. The theme is a Hawaiian luau.

We had her bachelorette party last Saturday night. Took her to dinner at Shooter’s and then over to Howl at the Moon for some dueling pianos. A few of the girls bitched about money, cover charges, etc. This really pissed me off. Felt like telling them to go home. If they didn’t have the money, why did they attend? Anyway, I was able to shield most of this from my Sister as I didn’t want her shitty friends to ruin her good time. Mind you, these are not great friends, but friends. We ended up at the Velvet Dog on the upstairs deck. It was awesome. I reserved 3 hotel rooms at the Wyndham so that no one had to drive home. We needed two as a couple people bailed. Oh – and they left their valet parked car ($22 on my bill) and asked my sister Sarah to drive it home on Sunday.

I ordered my dress from lavahut.com. It is a really cool dress. We actually all decided to get the same dress, but in a different Hawaiian print. They talked me into ordering a large. I need a medium. So, last week I placed another order for a medium. Just received notification that it shipped yesterday……from Hawaii. FUCK. Tonight I will spend trying to shrink the large. It isn’t huge, but definitely can tell it is too big. Also need to find shoes. We are all supposed to wear flip flops. Not like shower shoes, a little dressier, but no formal shoes. Yeah, I can’t find any I like. I think I see a bottle of Cabernet in my future.

I am pumped because my cousin CHRIS (totally not mentioning you just because you threatened to turn me into the NAACP if I didn’t) is coming in from Rochester, NY. He is the male version of me and we always have a blast, and get into trouble, when we are together. We should be well under control this weekend though as my husband, his fiancé and his mother will be there to make sure our fun doesn’t get too out of hand. Hey – let’s work on our Buttercup routine! Chris is our D.J. for the reception. Dave Matthews….play some Dave Matthews.

Also, going to be great to see lots of other out of town family that I don’t get to see that often. I will post lots of pictures of everyone next week. Unfortunately neither of my stepchildren will be there and that sucks ass, but David is having surgery and Jen has another wedding to attend of friends she has had for a l o n g time. Still makes me sad though and they will be missed. Unfortunately Rach won’t be there either as she is Jen’s date for the other wedding, but the Storks will be there and that rocks!

My best friend Tammy is performing the ceremony so that is really cool. Nice to have a friend of the family instead of some random person. I even helped write the ceremony on Tuesday and that makes it even more special.

I think that is everything for now. Will let you know how it all goes. Also, I’m only working ½ day tomorrow due to wedding prep so you guys will have to keep Lo Lo entertained!

Hugs and kisses to all.

Tuesday, August 16, 2005

Black and Gold, baby!

I am so excited for this year's football season. These guys are going to effing kick everyone's arse. Special Teams looked awesome last night. Oh, it's gonna be fun! HERE WE GO STEELERS, HERE WE GO.

Oh, and the Browns still suck the hairy brown eye.

Friday, August 12, 2005

I set my goals, and I fall short....

My goal today was to go the entire day with out swearing. I had decided this last night on my way home from work. You guys may not have noticed, but sometimes I have a potty mouth. So, the plan was to wake up this morning and not utter a swear word for the entire day. That notion went out the window due to some stupid whore in a white Nissan X205 or something who was putting her makeup on whilst driving like a complete fucking moron. I happened to yell this in my car as I was stuck behind her for about 10 miles. I wanted to punch her so hard in the ovary. I blame her, the dumb bitch.

Maybe I'll try to have the rest of the day be swear free, but does it really fucking matter at this point? Maybe tomorrow....

Thursday, August 11, 2005

Just shoot me now

Our house apparently sucks ass. Here is the feedback after two showings: too many trees, not enough grass. Deck wood is curling. Screened in porch needs to be painted. Needs new carpet. Bedrooms not in good spots for kids. Needs a new roof (which it doesn’t!!!).

Who in their right mind complains about too many mother fucking shade giving trees?!
Very frustrated. They are already recommending we lower the price. WTF?! It has been on the market for a couple of weeks at the price THEY SUGGESTED. Feeling very stressed out now.

So, after I go to Ambiance (the store for lovers) tonight to get stuff for my sister's bachelorette party on Saturday I will be spending the evening cutting down trees, uncurling wood, getting new carpet and moving the bedrooms to more suitable areas in the house for, what I'm sure, are snotty little kids, and planting grass. I may squeeze in time for a bottle or five of wine.

They did say, however, that the house was nice and neat and clean. NO SHIT YOU GODDAMN MOTHER FUCKING ASSHOLES. WE SPENT THREE DAYS CLEANING NON STOP FOR YOU.

Oui oui, more wine!


Yes, another vacation picture (for anyone new here, I am on the right). I feel like I'm all blogged out right now and have nothing funny, or otherwise, to write about. So, you all get stuck with a picture! This was one of our last nights in Paris. We had so much fun. You can't really see the shirt I'm wearing, but I bought it in a little boutique in Paris. Very cute, but sort of see-through. The girl in the picture with me is my best friend Tammy. She was kind enough to block the ladies for the picture!! Thanks Tam. As I recall we drank quite a lot this night. Ok, every night. Whatever, we were on vacation!

Tuesday, August 09, 2005

Hair do? Hair don't!


It is that time again, kiddies. Getting my hair done tonight. I was thinking of going with this style. I really think it will stand up nicely to the test of time. I'll be so dead sexy. Now I need a polyester suit! Posted by Picasa

Monday, August 08, 2005

Shut your mouth!

After having an ample breath sample, here is what I have analyzed my co-worker's breakfast to have been:

A shit sandwich with a side of warm ass.
To drink - some liquified crap.
For dessert - a poopy flavored lollipop.

Holy mother of God, my nose hurts.

Friday, August 05, 2005

And the answer is....

Got home tonight and went in my closet to put my shoes away. To my surprise, my magic 8 ball was sitting in the middle of the floor. I took it to be a sign. So, ask anything you like and I'll consult the magic 8 ball and let you know what it says.

Foreplay good, cuddle after bad

I'm really shocked as this guy looks totally normal. *Note to self: do NOT ask hubby to cuddle after sex. Got it!

I look good, damn good


I bought some new blue eyeshadow and I love it! How do I look? Damn XTina had to get in the picture! Posted by Picasa

Thursday, August 04, 2005

I hate this guy, and those like him.

You know what I say to this? Piss off you pathetic excuse for a human being. If I ever see you I will punch you in the face and kick you in the nuts. I will fuck you up. You are a stinking rat bastard. GET OFF MY PLANET.

Wednesday, August 03, 2005


I don't care what I have to do, I will have one of these in the new house. I am going to start pricing now. Holy shit, I'm excited. I have wanted one of these forever! Maybe the console version with Ms. Pac Man! Posted by Picasa

Tuesday, August 02, 2005

May the force be with you....

Be honest, Brian, you bought this didn't you?

Monday, August 01, 2005

A little eye candy for my peeps :-)


This is at Dave Matthews Band last year. Left to right: Barb, Kym, me. We had a great time! I had a kickass hooded white sweatshirt that went with my white tank top which I lost at the concert! I'm still bummed....ok, not really. Posted by Picasa

Something a little "lighter"

Received this today in e-mail. Thought it was cool. I am a Walnut Tree, and the description is quite right. Although I am not jealous and I refuse to compromise on that. Anyway, what tree are you from?

TAKE A MOMENT TO FIND WHAT TREE YOU FELL FROM?

Find your birthday and then find your tree. This is really cool and somewhat accurate.

Dec 23 to Jan 01 - Apple Tree
Jan 01 to Jan 11 - Fir Tree
Jan 12 to Jan 24 - Elm Tree
Jan 25 to Feb 03 - CypressTree
Feb 04 to Feb 08 - Poplar Tree
Feb 09 to Feb 18 - Cedar Tree
Feb 19 to Feb 28 - Pine Tree
Mar 01 to Mar 10 - Weeping Willow Tree
Mar 11 to Mar 20 - Lime Tree
Mar 21 (only) -Oak Tree
Mar 22 to Mar 31 - Hazelnut Tree
Apr 01 to Apr 10 - Rowan Tree
Apr 11 to Apr 20 - Maple Tree
Apr 21 to Apr 30 - Walnut Tree
May 01 to May 14 - Poplar Tree
May 15 to May 24 - Chestnut Tree
May 25 to Jun 03 - Ash Tree
Jun 04 to Jun 13 - Hornbeam Tree
Jun 14 to Jun 23 - Fig Tree
Jun 24 (only) - Birch Tree
Jun 25 to Jul 04 - Apple Tree
Jul 05 to Jul 14 - Fir Tree
Jul 15 to Jul 25 -Elm Tree
Jul 26 to Aug 04 - CypressTree
Aug 05 to Aug 13 - Poplar Tree
Aug 14 to Aug 23 - Cedar Tree
Aug 24 to Sep 02 - Pine Tree
Sep 03 to Sep 12 - Weeping WillowTree
Sep 13 to Sep 22 - Lime Tree
Sep 23 (only) - Olive Tree
Sep 24 to Oct 03 - Hazelnut Tree
Oct 04 to Oct 13 - Rowan Tree
Oct 14 to Oct 23 - Maple Tree
Oct 24 to Nov 11 - Walnut Tree
Nov 12 to Nov 21 - Chestnut Tree
Nov 22 to Dec 01 - Ash Tree
Dec 02 to Dec 11 - Hornbeam Tree
Dec 12 to Dec 21 - Fig Tree
Dec 22 (only) - Beech Tree


TREES (in alphabetical order)

Apple Tree (Love) -- quiet and shy at times, lots of charm, appeal, and
attraction, pleasant attitude, flirtatious smile, adventurous, sensitive, loyal
in love, wants to love and be loved, faithful and tender partner, very
generous, many talents, loves children, needs affectionate partner.

Ash Tree (Ambition) -- extremely attractive, vivacious, impulsive, demanding,
does not care for criticism, ambitious, intelligent, talented, likes to play
with fate, can be very egotistic, reliable, restless lover, sometimes money
rules over the heart, demands attention, needs love and much emotional
support.

Beech Tree (Creative) -- has good taste, concerned about its looks,
materialistic, good organization of life and career, economical, good leader,
takes no unnecessary risks, reasonable, splendid lifetime companion, keen on
keeping fit (diets, sports, etc.).

Birch Tree (Inspiration) -- vivacious, attractive, elegant, friendly,
unpretentious, modest, does not like anything in excess, abhors the vulgar,
loves life in nature and in calm, not very passionate, full of imagination,
little ambition, creates a calm and content atmosphere.

Cedar Tree (Confidence) -- of rare strength, knows how to adapt, likes
unexpected presents, of good health, not in the least shy, tends to look down
on others, self-confident, a great speaker, determined, often impatient, likes
to impress others, has many talents, industrious, healthy optimism, waits for
the one true love, able to make quick decisions.

Chestnut Tree (Honesty) -- of unusual stature, impressive, well-developed
sense of justice, fun to be around, a planner, born diplomat, can be irritated
easily, sensitive of others feelings, hard worker, sometimes acts superior,
feels not understood at times, fiercely family oriented, very loyal in love,
physically fit.

Cypress Tree (Faithfulness) -- strong, muscular, adaptable, takes what life
has to give but doesn't necessarily like it, strives to be content, optimistic,
wants to be financially independent, wants love and affection, hates
loneliness, passionate lover which cannot be satisfied, faithful, quick-
tempered at times, can be unruly and careless, loves to gain knowledge, needs
to be needed.

Elm Tree (Noble-mindedness) -- pleasant shape, tasteful clothes, modest
demands, tends not to forgive mistakes, cheerful, likes to lead but not to
obey, honest and faithful partner, likes making decisions for others, noble-
minded, generous, good sense of humor, practical.

Fig Tree (Sensibility) -- very strong minded, a bit self-willed, honest,
loyal, independent, hates contradiction or arguments, hard worker when wants to
be, loves life and friends, enjoys children and animals, few sexual
relationships, great sense of humor, has artistic talent and great
intelligence.

Fir tree (Mysterious) -- extraordinary taste, handles stress well, loves
anything beautiful, stubborn, tends to care for those close to them, hard to
trust others, yet a social butterfly, likes idleness and laziness after long
demanding hours at work, rather modest, talented, unselfish, many friends, very
reliable.

Hazelnut Tree (Extraordinary) -- charming, sense of humor, very demanding but
can also be very understanding, knows how to make a lasting impression, active
fighter for social causes and politics, popular, quite moody, sexually
oriented, honest, a perfectionist, has a precise sense of judgment and expects
complete fairness.

Hornbeam Tree (Good Taste) -- of cool beauty, cares for its looks and
condition, good taste, is not egoistic, makes life as comfortable as possible,
leads a reasonable and disciplined life, looks for kindness and acknowledgment
in an emotional partner, dreams of unusual lovers, is seldom happy with its
feelings, mistrusts most people, is never sure of its decisions, very
conscientious.

Lime Tree (Doubt) - intelligent, hard working, accepts what life dishes out,
but not before trying to change bad circumstances into good ones, hates
fighting and stress, enjoys getaway vacations, may appear tough, but is
actually soft and relenting, always willing to make sacrifices for family and
friends, has many talents but not always enough time to use them, can become a
complainer, great leadership qualities, is jealous at times but extremely
loyal.

Maple Tree (Independence of Mind) -- no ordinary person, full of imagination
and originality, shy and reserved, ambitious, proud, self-confident, hungers
for new experiences, sometimes nervous, has many complexities, good memory,
learns easily, complicated love life, wants to impress.

Oak Tree (Brave) -- robust nature, courageous, strong, unrelenting,
independent, sensible, does not like change, keeps its feet on the ground,
person of action.

Olive Tree (Wisdom) -- loves sun, warmth and kind feelings, reasonable,
balanced, avoids aggression and violence, tolerant, cheerful, calm, well-
developed sense of justice, sensitive, empathetic, free of jealousy, loves to
read and the company of sophisticated people.

Pine Tree (Peacemaker) -- loves agreeable company, craves peace and harmony,
loves to help others, active imagination, likes to write poetry, not fashion
conscious, great compassion, friendly to all, falls strongly in love but will
leave if betrayed or lied to, emotionally soft, low self esteem, needs
affection and reassurance.

Poplar Tree (Uncertainty) -- looks very decorative, talented, not very self-
confident, extremely courageous if necessary, needs goodwill and pleasant
surroundings, very choosy, often lonely, great animosity, great artistic
nature, good organizer, tends to lean toward philosophy, reliable in any
situation, takes partnership seriously.

Rowan Tree (Sensitivity) -- full of charm, cheerful, gifted without egoism,
likes to draw attention, loves life, motion, unrest, and even complications, is
both dependent and independent, good taste, artistic, passionate, emotional,
good company, does not forgive.

Walnut Tree (Passion) -- unrelenting, strange and full of contrasts, often
egotistic, aggressive, noble, broad horizon, unexpected reactions, spontaneous,
unlimited ambition, no flexibility, difficult and uncommon partner, not always
liked but often admired, ingenious strategist, very jealous and passionate, no
compromise.

Weeping Willow (Melancholy) - likes to be stress free, loves family life,
full of hopes and dreams, attractive, very empathetic, loves anything
beautiful, musically inclined, loves to travel to exotic places, restless,
capricious, honest, can be influenced but is not easy to live with when
pressured, sometimes demanding, good intuition, suffers in love until they find
that one loyal, steadfast partner; loves to make others laugh.

WTF?

If I could I would punch this stupid bitch in the ovaries.