A decade? Holy cow! A note to the hubby...

Happy 10th Anniversary to my husband Dave! Can't believe it has been 10 years already. Thank you for putting up with my shenanigans, such as hiding behind doors and jumping out to scare you. Thank you for letting me be myself, even when it was painful and frustrating. Thank you for always loving me even when you are angry with me. Thank you for suggesting that I’ve had enough to drink, even though I rarely listen to you (even though I should!). Thank you for giving me my space when I need it, especially once a month. Thank you for understanding my need for time with my friends, even when you are sometimes sitting home bored. Thank you for trying to understand my anxieties and fears, even though they seem silly and without base. Thank you for holding my hand when I am sad. Thank you for making me laugh. For all of these reasons and many more I love you with my whole heart. I look forward to 100 more years of marriage with you. Love you, Pokey!

Motor Mouth

Not sure if you are familiar with the MTV show Motor Mouth, but guys I'm telling you do not sign me up for this show. The following is what you would hear if you were in my car in the morning driving to work. *This post is rated R for language*

Oh my God, are ya serious? Get the fuck out of my way.
OK, if you can’t maneuver your land yacht get a fucking Speck.
Mother Fucker stop hitting your FUCKING BRAKES FOR NO REASON.
(upon being cut-off by some ass clown who then hits his brakes) I am going to shove those bakes so far up your fucking ass your eyes will be red.
GO FASTER DICK HEAD.
When do you expect to pass your driver’s test douche bag??

I could go on, but will end there. I also give many a dirty look as I pass people. For example, this morning I passed this beyotch who was putting on her make-up while driving under the speed limit in the passing lane. Yeah, I looked over and gave her a dirty look and called her an asshole, but she was too busy applying mascara to notice. On route 2 west bound. At 7:30 this morning. In Willoughby. Driving a 4 door coupe of some type. Yeah – you dumbass. P.S. the make-up didn’t look like it was helping your ugly puss either.

SIDENOTE TO PICK-UP TRUCK DRIVERS: Drive the fucking speed limit (or faster), or go back to your redneck town and GET OFF MY ROADS. In fact, you should probably all get off my roads before I succumb to road rage and blast all ya'll.

Funniest e-mail of the day....

"So I'm having a blue raspberry arctic rush (aka Mr. Misty) from Dairy Queen and it is fan-friggin'-tastic! I hope i don't have to meet with anyone soon or it will look like I've been licking Smurfs!"

Authored by the INCREDIBLE Jen and left me with quite the visual!

The e-mails that followed were pretty funny too.

Murphy's Law

Go here if you want to read about Murphy's Law http://dmawww.epfl.ch/roso.mosaic/dm/murphy.html

I have one to add that Mr. Murphy forgot about.

14. When you have washed all of your bedding it is an open invitation for your dog to hurl on your clean bedding while you are at work. It is also assured that said hurl will soak through every layer of bedding and into your relatively new mattress.

Raindrops keep fallin' on my head.

This Cleveland weather is killing me. I am so sick of snow and rain and wind and sub 40 temperatures. Next week is June and it is still friggin' freezing! Our furnace came on last night and this morning. That is just complete bullshit and I am a little pissed about it. Who do I formally lodge my complaint with?? The temperature right now is 55 degrees. It is overcast and all around shitty. Why did my parents have to settle in Cleveland? Why not Arizona or California or even Florida? And they wonder why I'm in therapy (actually I don't think anyone wonders!) It doesn't help at all that Mr. Underhill has taken off his winter clothes and gone swimming. Yep, I'm jealous - I admit it.

Yeah, I know this post sucks. Lodge your complaint with Mother Nature. She has sucked the very desire to blog out of me.

Man, we got punked!

OK, got this from http://urbanlegends.about.com here. Thank God, all of our little friends are ok! I am trembling with relief.


Lion 42, Midgets 0Answering the age-old question, "In a battle royal between 42 unarmed little people and an African lion, who would win?" a news story purportedly issued by the BBC took the Blogosphere by storm this past week by reporting that just such a face-off took place in Cambodia on April 30, leaving all 42 midgets dead or injured.Come to find out (I'm shocked... shocked!), the story isn't true, nor did it originate from BBC News."If you haven't already guessed, the article is fake," writes the actual, anonymous author of the piece in an after-the-fact disclaimer. "It was created to 'settle' a dispute between a friend of mine [sic] in which he claimed that 40 weaponless midgets could defeat 1 lion in a hypothetical fight," the prankster explains. "The link to where the article was posted was not intended to spread outside of the initial group of guys in the argument, but as I was alerted it had been posted on collegehumor.com, fark.com, and several other web forums, it has spread far beyond that."Tuesday May 10, 2005 #

Vibrating panties - YOWZA!

I think I may have to cancel my order.....or at the very least not wear them to the grocery store!


Kinky shopper KOed by vibrating knickers
By Lester Haines (lester.haines at theregister.co.uk)
Published Wednesday 18th May 2005 12:04 GMT
The following cautionary tale must surely rate in the top five of "most embarrassing things that can happen to you in public - ever". According to UK tabloid the Sun, a 33-year-old Welsh housewife ended up in hospital after wearing Ann Summers vibrating Passion Pants (http://www.annsummers.com/single.asp?gid=7&cat=8&pid=2673) to her local Asda supermarket in Swansea.
Unfortunately, she became "so aroused by the 2½-inch vibrating bullet inside that she fainted" then "fell against shelves and banged her head". This prompted the attendance of the paramedics who "found the black leatherette panties still buzzing". Having disabled the orgasmatronic underwear, they then whisked the senseless shopper to hospital where she made a complete recovery. Staff handed her back the Passion Pants upon discharge, discreetly concealed in a plastic bag.

Hump Day!

Happy Hump Day everyone. Now get out there and get some!

Serious stuff......

I wrote this on September 11, 2003. I hoped that by writing it I would stop having nightmares about it. It is about the people in the World Trade Center who felt that jumping from the building was the only option they had after those bastards rammed our planes into it. Everytime I think about those people it brings me to tears and my heart breaks for all who were lost on that tragic day. Here goes.

God Help Me
I jumped
I had no choice
I jumped
They came for me
I jumped
I didn't want to
I jumped
I was so terrified
I jumped
Otherwise burn in flames
I jumped
What was I thinking
I jumped
You will never know
I jumped

Whatever

Mondays suck ass. That is all.

Lick it, lick it good.

I was reminded of this story last night when I was out to dinner with my peeps. It was a few months ago and we had our friends the Storks over for dinner. We decided to just order pizza and wings from the local pizza shop. I order pizza for everyone – probably pepperoni or something. I order for me my favorite pizza of all time. It is a white Hawaiian. My mouth is watering just thinking about it. It is the garlic butter sauce instead of red sauce and it is topped with 3 cheeses, ham and pineapple. YUMMY. We wait the 45 minutes to an hour for our delivery (which is baffling to me as I used to work in a pizza place and I know that it takes approximately 12 minutes for the pizza to cook and we live about 4 minutes from the pizza shop, but whatever). The pizza finally arrives. With great anticipation I pay the delivery guy and carry my pizza to the kitchen. I take a slice, slather it with hot sauce and take a bite. WHAT THE HELL?! It has red sauce instead of white. OH I AM PISSED NOW (it doesn’t take much when I’m hungry). My hand trembles as I reach for the phone to call and report this injustice and request a replacement pizza ASAP. Some little prom queen wannabe answers the phone. I have to force myself to remain calm while I explain to her the problem. Her solution? Offer me a store credit. I DO NOT WANT A STORE CREDIT, I WANT MY PHUCKING WHITE HAWAIIAN PIZZA AND I WANT IT NOW. In my most diplomatic, honey I want to reach through this phone and strangle you but I’m not going to voice I explain that what I would really like is the correct pizza. She seems shocked by this. She offers to get her manager, who is likely smoking pot in the parking lot – not that I’m judging. So Manager Asswipe gets on the phone and asks what the problem is. My entire body is now shaking, I am covered in a thin layer of sweat and I believe one of my eyes has exploded. In my oh-so-sweet fake voice I explain what the problem is. He offers a store credit. My other eye explodes. I calmly tell him that I don’t want a store credit, I want the correct pizza. He finally concedes to send out the correct pizza, but quite rudely tells me that I will have to send back the wrong pizza with the delivery guy. Oh, you’ll get your pizza don’t you worry. I hang up the phone. My friends are looking at me as if I have 4 heads. Without a word I pick up the pizza box and start licking the pizza*. All of the pizza. Every slice. Some of them twice. Enjoy your pizza delivery phuck ups!

*for those of you worried about the poor schleps who ate the Melified pizza, don’t. I have no diseases, sexually transmitted or otherwise. They just got a little free saliva with their GD red sauce.

What up, DAWG?!

I haven’t posted since last Friday. I’m not boycotting or anything because Blogger is a stupid whore. I mean, Blogger is most definitely a stupid whore, but that isn’t why I haven’t posted. Guess I just haven’t had anything to talk about, funny or otherwise. That changes now. Time for some random, free-flow stream of consciousness. Let’s get started, shall we?
Things you may not know about me:
I am afraid of just about everything, and that could actually be a Blog of its own. Here are a few though just to get your attention. I am afraid of heights, airplanes, bridges, crowds, serial killers, lightening and for some dumb reason thunder. I am afraid that the earth will stop turning and we will be flung into space. I am afraid that when I die it will hurt. I am also afraid of what I’ll miss down here on Earth when I die. Hopefully I can watch from heaven. I am afraid that my friends won’t like me anymore once they discover that I am afraid of everything. Generally every day that I walk in my parking garage before and after work I am afraid that it will collapse crushing me. Yeah, I could go on for hours but I’ll move on……
Other things you may not know about me include that my favorite color is purple, but nothing in my home is purple. My favorite veggie is spinach and I hardly ever eat it. My favorite Kool-Aid flavor is lime, second favorite is grape. My favorite time of day is when I get home from work and get to see my husband and our dogs. Wish I had more time at home! My favorite pizza is white with ham and pineapple and if the pizza place sends it with let’s say red sauce, I have been known to lick the entire pizza and send that bitch right back to the pizza place. Get it right – white sauce. WHITE SAUCE YOU MORONS.
Places I would like to travel to:
This may seem odd since I hate flying, and actually fear every mode of transportation other than me driving my car, but I like to travel and see the world. I have been to France and would love to go back. However I would like to see the following places first:
Egypt (everyone who knows me knows that I am addicted to the study of ancient Egypt)
Italy (I think I have kin from Florence)
The Pocconos
Washington, D.C.
Seattle to see the original Starbucks. Man, I’m addicted to that liquid gold (that’s how much it costs!)
Europe to follow the Allied forces movement during WWII
The concentration camps so that I can add my tears to the billions shed by others because of the atrocities committed there.
Aruba
Things that REALLY piss me off:
Monday mornings
Tuesday mornings
Wednesday mornings
Thursday mornings
Rush-hour traffic
People who hurt children
Getting the wrong pizza
Stupid people
Arrogance
Apathetic people
Drug dealers

I guess that is enough for now, have to save some for later! Feel free to ask if there is something else you would like to know about me, or share something that I may not know about you! Sorry this is so long, I’m afraid that you won’t read all of it…..oh crap, here I go again!

Attack of the killer......?

Sometimes this shit just writes itself. I was standing next to Lo Lo's desk having a very important non-work related conversation about people and their mooching habits (i.e. eat all of our food and don't EVER contribute). Anyway, important Friday stuff. I was holding a plastic folder in my hand so that if any management types walked by it would very much appear that we were working. So, we're talking and I happen to look down at my shoulder. There, much to my dismay, is a HUGE spider. I'm talking enourmous, the biggest I have ever seen, and it is staring right back at me as if daring me to do something about it's presence. I jump, scream farily loudly and throw the plastic thingy on the floor whilst swatting the monster off of myself. I then notice that it is a piece of string. After Lo Lo peed her pants not once, but twice, the crying and uncontrollable laughter began. Yeah, no way management will buy that we are working now. At least I kicked that string's ass. Kicked it big time.

This was made of Legos in Toys R Us in New York City. Went there last April. I think I am going to build a city of Legos and then build little stupid phucking people like I have to deal with every day. I'll even name them all. Then when the people in real life piss me off, I will step on their counterparts in Lego Melandia and squish them. I'll smite them all and they will whine and cry that they have been smote! (I love that word) I'm thinking I may need to go back to therapy.