My Therapist Claims There's Hope

He also said Nick is a puss infected SLUT.

Friday, July 08, 2005

Do not lie - have you?

Have you ever?

Have you ever felt like you just weren’t enough? Enough meaning smart enough, good enough, pretty enough, funny enough, thin enough? I feel this way every minute of every day. This post is not inspired by any outside “force.” No one said anything or did anything to cause this. This is me. This is how I feel. This is a bit of insight into the hurricane that is my inner self. I am not drunk. I am not under the influence of any drugs. There is no gun to my head. I just have to get it out (well, a little bit of it anyway since I haven’t gone to therapy in two months). If you are afraid to delve into this convoluted subject called “me” I suggest you stop reading now. I am certain there are more entertaining websites to check out – see my sidebar for a few of them.

Let’s review. I have a wonderful husband who supports me and endures me more than any man should be expected to (not that he is perfect, but really he does). I have a great set of parents. My sisters and brother, and my nieces and nephew I could not live without. My friends guide me and nurture me way beyond what is required of friends. I couldn't ask for better step-children, I love them very much and know they love me. I enjoy my job tremendously and have great co-workers. Yet every day I go to sleep feeling that I am not enough. Not enough. So many people tell me that I have a hole in me somewhere. They say perhaps this hole is “fillable” whether it be by a child, a better job, a new home – whatever. I have a hole. I don’t know that I like this explanation. Somehow this explanation makes me feel that I am not a complete person.

I know that I am not “incomplete.” I know this because I am loved. I am loved by my husband – God bless him because he has experienced the crazyiness of Mel like no other. He has been there for the ugliest of times (and Honey, don’t be scared but I don’t know that I an done with the ugly. I hope so, but I just don’t know). I am loved unconditionally by my family and by my friends. Yet I always have this nagging feeling that I am, for lack of a better phrase, not enough.

I am insecure. I am insecure in every single relationship that I have; friends, parents, family, co-workers. I am always certain that at any moment the other person is going to realize that I am undeserving of their love, attention, time. This even applies to my Mom, sisters, best friends.

I am paranoid. The minute I walk away from any individual I am certain that I have somehow offended, pissed off or otherwise done something to cause them to not like me as much, etc.

I am a bad family member. I don’t see my nieces and nephew like I should. Maybe once every couple of weeks. I feel like I should see them every day, yet I don’t. Instead I come home and do laundry or dishes or dust or some other stupid phucking thing that when I die I know I won’t be wishing I did more of. And when I die, what will they think? What will they remember? That I made it to their birthdays and Christmas? It needs to be more than that – especially and most importantly if I don’t have children of my own, which lets face it is a real possibility.

I also know (think) that I am funny. I have caused snot rockets to be launched. I have caused snorting. I have caused almost pee your pants laughing. Yet it is not enough (for me). I know this is irritating to my friends. Believe me, I know. It sucks to know – to bloody KNOW that you are loved and liked and cared for, but to walk away THINKING (not knowing) that you are just not enough. I completely embrace the funny part of me. The rest I would like to exorcise (I need a young priest and an old priest). Why do I always leave get togethers and worry about what they are saying about me? Somebody please make it stop.

Reasons why it sucks to be my friend:
1. I have a dog who is an A-hole (although really pretty)
2. I am prone to paranoia
3. I have been known to have mental break-downs
4. I take things past “that line”
5. I am needy
6. I can be clingy and need lots of hugs
7. My poop sometimes smells bad (this is meant to be funny although it really does)
8. Sometimes I just stay home and am anti-social and closed off for reason not apparent to anyone because I won’t talk when I am bothered or upset
9. I have trouble pulling myself out of “moods”
10. My boobs are too big sometimes (again, for the sake of humor)

Reasons why I am a good friend (trying to redeem myself):

1. I will go to the ends of the Earth for you
2. I will do whatever it takes to make you laugh
3. I almost always have gum
4. I will tell a really bad/dirty joke to make you laugh
5. I will make fun of myself to make you laugh
6. I will always listen
7. I will always care
8. I will always love you no matter what
9. I always have beer
10. I will take care of you

Reasons why I love my friends:
See above 1-10

Someday I hope to not have these unfounded (I hope) insecurities. I hope to realize what everyone else seems to see in me. I hope to be the person my Mom always knew and hoped I could be. Until then, forgive me, I will depend on the kindness of others to see me through. I will constantly ask for reassurances. When you tell me you love me, I will tell you that you don’t while secretly hoping and praying that you really, really do. When I begin to feel that I can’t take it any more I will remind myself that others have it worse. When that stops working, I will end up on your doorstep with a six pack and the desire to talk all night and figure it out.

Have you ever?

16 Comments:

  • At July 08, 2005 1:15 AM, Blogger CheyenneWay said…

    Tonight actually.

    I find that the drive to succeed can be a a double edged sword. I find myself surrounded by doctors and professors and wonder how long my line of shit is going to last. I really connected to this post because I've found something that is pure and wonderful in this world but at the same time im wondering how i might fuck this up like I "think" I do everything else.

    I'll grit my teeth through all the insecurities and come out with the confidence that keeps me pushing foward. Keeping mindfullness as a constant goal.

    I fall in love with the tangible and intangible constantly. How about you?

     
  • At July 08, 2005 1:15 AM, Blogger CheyenneWay said…

    ohhhh 1th!!!!!!!!!!

     
  • At July 08, 2005 1:19 AM, Blogger Ubermilf said…

    Hmmm. It's about 10 after midnight. I can't sleep. Ubergirl Elder is going to her friends birthday party tomorrow. Did I get her a good enough present? What if she has it already? Is it wrapped pretty enough? Did someone else get her the same card?

    She's 5. 5!

    I know exactly what you're talking about, and it's agonizing, paralyzing and horrifying. But what do we call it? It's kind of like perfectionism. Sort of like low self esteem. But I remember having it as a kid, too.

    I remember one Christmas, my older sister gave me the present she had gotten for my grandma and told me to put it on her (grandma's) pile. It was earrings. I was maybe 8 or 9 years old. When grandma started opening presents, it was from a different pile.

    I was so terrified that grandma didn't get her earrings and that my sister was mad that I couldn't sleep for weeks, until my sister found me in my bedroom reading a book at midnight with my stomach in knots. She asked me why I wasn't asleep, and I let the whole story spill out. She hugged me. Of course grandma got her earrings! Finally, I could sleep. Does this sound like what you're talking about?

     
  • At July 08, 2005 9:22 AM, Blogger Lo Lo Lova said…

    Melanie, Melanie, Melanie, my poor sweet Melanie. How someone like you can feel this way is beyond me! You are thee most-loved, most-revered, most-looked-up-to, most-admired person I know. Everyone loves Melanie. Everyone around work seeks her out; visits, calls, emails her. If you have a question and can't figure something out, you ask Melanie because she knows it all. That's how good she is at what she does.

    When you are sad or pissed off, you go to Melanie because she will always, no matter what, make you feel better. She will offer to kick the shit out of anyone who hurts or offends you. And she will make you pee your pants with laughter and launch snot rockets that force you to be in a good mood.

    Even on the days when I'm not at work, if something bad or good happens, she is the FIRST person I think of calling. And I do. If it's good news, I know she will be genuinely excited for me. If it is bad news, I know she will be sad with me.

    If I ever have to fight the good fight, I know she will be right there with me. If I ever need gum, she's there.

    If I complain that my MIL soiled my favorite cherry towel, she will GO TO KMART AND BUY ME A NEW (and even better!) ONE!!!

    If I'm overwhelmed in piles of work, she will offer to help out. And she will actually take some of my load, even though she is super busy.

    If I need to talk or bitch or whine (which, believe you me, I do a lot of), she will stop whatever she is doing and listen. And offer advice.

    When people treat me like crap and I'm so afraid of confrontation that I let it happen, she will yell at me because I don't deserve it. And she will even offer to kick their ass.

    I am so thankful I decided to take the job I have now for the sheer reason that it brought her into my life. And my life is better because of her.

    I am sorry I do not say this enough. Melanie, you are wonderful! You are an amazing person!! I am so envious of you; You are so pretty, so funny, so thin, so fashionable, so cute, so loved, and so loving. YOU ARE ENOUGH!!

    Now, all that being said, I have to tell you that I totally understand where you are coming from. I am constantly worried about people being mad at me, worried that I somehow screwed something up at work, worried that I'm not a good enough wife or a good enough mother or a good enough daughter, friend, niece, daughter-in-law, sister-in-law, grandaughter-in-law, etc.

    I think about all of my parents' friends and how some of them are elderly and how I should write them more letters and send out more pictures of my son to brighten their days.

    I feel like I'm too lazy; that I should do more around the house and more for my son, and keep in better touch with all of my loved ones.

    So I totally understand what you are going through. But at the same time, I cannot believe that YOU feel this way. It astounds me. I guess the grass is always greener and we always assume everyone else is better than we are!

    I love you, Melanie. We all do. Never forget that!!!

     
  • At July 08, 2005 9:48 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    OK, there is one thing that has really bothered me about this post. Get this straight!!!!! YOUR BOOBS ARE NEVER TOO BIG! Kidding! In all seriousness....You are a very good friend and that is all I or any of us could ask for.

    A few reason's you are my friend...
    -You always have beer.
    -You let me drive your car.
    -You make me blow snot rockets.
    -You open you home to my family on a regular basis.
    -You quit smoking and never kicked one of our asses.
    -You have offered to kick others asses for me, even though, I am capable of doing it myself.
    -Even though your dog is an A-Hole, we still love her.

    For the record, poop smells, yours, mine, A-hole, or otherwise.

     
  • At July 08, 2005 9:50 AM, Blogger John said…

    Mel, I think the people who actually feel like they are "enough" are mostly aholes. They've stopped trying to be more. They're god's gift and they KNOW it. I know it doesn't feel that great to you but your feeling this way sounds like it's made you a great friend, sister, daughter, etc.

     
  • At July 08, 2005 10:04 AM, Blogger Scarlet Hip said…

    I feel this way all the time. ALL THE TIME. I do everything for my brothers and my mother and yet I still feel guilty that it's not enough. Then I get resentful because I'm not appreciated. I take on everyone's problems and then can't understand why I can't sleep at night. Then I feel guilty for being so tired during the day. I try to please everyone and wind up pissing people off because somebody inevitably falls by the wayside. It's a neverending cycle and it is one of the reasons I consider moving back to NJ - so I don't have this constant family pressure to perform. I figure if I'm far away I'll only have to perform once or twice a year. Does that make sense?

     
  • At July 08, 2005 1:22 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Melanie, I sometimes feel the same way. I feel guilty for not spending more time with my family than i have or do. It's just part of us being who we are. We thrive to make people happy, but still wonder what they think. I'm the same way. But let me tell you, you are one of the best people that has come into my life as well. And along with you, have come many other great people. You have to remember that you have a great family of friends that will always love you no matter what. you can have green boogers hanging out of your nose, and we will still love you. You can always look to me for hugs, i love to get them as well. And if ever you need to talk all night, my ears are open. I'm almost to the point where friends are all I have left in this world, and I am glad that you are one of them!

     
  • At July 08, 2005 11:36 PM, Blogger Carly said…

    yeah. that's me. I'm not a good mother, I'm overweight, I'm bitchy, I waste money, don't do enough housework, and so on and so on. The voice in my head often won't shut up.

    I have this wonderful friend though who gives me a hug, whispers to me that I'm amazing, and other cool stuff, and I can (almost completely, 99.9%) believe him.

    wait - maybe HE's crazy!!

    but really though, I do. But for you, print out these replies from your friends, especially Lo Lo, and remind yourself that these things ARE TRUE. Because what I know of this bunch, they won't blow sunshine up your ass just to be nice. They really like you.

     
  • At July 11, 2005 12:04 PM, Blogger Spirit Of Owl said…

    Melanie!! Can you HEAR ME? It's a LONG WAY to SHOUT but I THINK YOU'RE LOVELY AND I LOVE YOU IN FLUFFY WAYS!

    Ok, we've never met, but we've hung out on blogs enough for me to know that you're totally fab. However, if we're going to get together for a chinwag one night, a six-pack has no chance of being enough. :D

     
  • At July 11, 2005 12:18 PM, Blogger Melanie was here said…

    Wow, oh and by the way, wow. You guys are the best. So much support and so many kind words, and still more humor.

    I have to be honest, reading these comments brought tears to my eyes. I will most certainly take the advice given and print these comments and refer to them as necessary.

    Too bad we don't all live closer - we could totally have a kegger and hang out! Well, I guess Lo Lo, Brian, Anon, Lazy Wanker and I can - oooh, and technically John can too, since we all live close. You out of towners feel like making a road trip?

    Seriously, thanks all for your lovely comments! You are all the best.

     
  • At July 11, 2005 1:33 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    We wouldn't say these things if they weren't true. So remember that!

     
  • At July 12, 2005 11:11 AM, Blogger Ubermilf said…

    I'd love to. Can all the Ubers come?

     
  • At July 12, 2005 11:15 AM, Blogger Melanie was here said…

    Absolutely all of the Ubers can and should come! Party, party, party!

     
  • At July 27, 2016 10:40 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

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