Do not lie - have you?

Have you ever?

Have you ever felt like you just weren’t enough? Enough meaning smart enough, good enough, pretty enough, funny enough, thin enough? I feel this way every minute of every day. This post is not inspired by any outside “force.” No one said anything or did anything to cause this. This is me. This is how I feel. This is a bit of insight into the hurricane that is my inner self. I am not drunk. I am not under the influence of any drugs. There is no gun to my head. I just have to get it out (well, a little bit of it anyway since I haven’t gone to therapy in two months). If you are afraid to delve into this convoluted subject called “me” I suggest you stop reading now. I am certain there are more entertaining websites to check out – see my sidebar for a few of them.

Let’s review. I have a wonderful husband who supports me and endures me more than any man should be expected to (not that he is perfect, but really he does). I have a great set of parents. My sisters and brother, and my nieces and nephew I could not live without. My friends guide me and nurture me way beyond what is required of friends. I couldn't ask for better step-children, I love them very much and know they love me. I enjoy my job tremendously and have great co-workers. Yet every day I go to sleep feeling that I am not enough. Not enough. So many people tell me that I have a hole in me somewhere. They say perhaps this hole is “fillable” whether it be by a child, a better job, a new home – whatever. I have a hole. I don’t know that I like this explanation. Somehow this explanation makes me feel that I am not a complete person.

I know that I am not “incomplete.” I know this because I am loved. I am loved by my husband – God bless him because he has experienced the crazyiness of Mel like no other. He has been there for the ugliest of times (and Honey, don’t be scared but I don’t know that I an done with the ugly. I hope so, but I just don’t know). I am loved unconditionally by my family and by my friends. Yet I always have this nagging feeling that I am, for lack of a better phrase, not enough.

I am insecure. I am insecure in every single relationship that I have; friends, parents, family, co-workers. I am always certain that at any moment the other person is going to realize that I am undeserving of their love, attention, time. This even applies to my Mom, sisters, best friends.

I am paranoid. The minute I walk away from any individual I am certain that I have somehow offended, pissed off or otherwise done something to cause them to not like me as much, etc.

I am a bad family member. I don’t see my nieces and nephew like I should. Maybe once every couple of weeks. I feel like I should see them every day, yet I don’t. Instead I come home and do laundry or dishes or dust or some other stupid phucking thing that when I die I know I won’t be wishing I did more of. And when I die, what will they think? What will they remember? That I made it to their birthdays and Christmas? It needs to be more than that – especially and most importantly if I don’t have children of my own, which lets face it is a real possibility.

I also know (think) that I am funny. I have caused snot rockets to be launched. I have caused snorting. I have caused almost pee your pants laughing. Yet it is not enough (for me). I know this is irritating to my friends. Believe me, I know. It sucks to know – to bloody KNOW that you are loved and liked and cared for, but to walk away THINKING (not knowing) that you are just not enough. I completely embrace the funny part of me. The rest I would like to exorcise (I need a young priest and an old priest). Why do I always leave get togethers and worry about what they are saying about me? Somebody please make it stop.

Reasons why it sucks to be my friend:
1. I have a dog who is an A-hole (although really pretty)
2. I am prone to paranoia
3. I have been known to have mental break-downs
4. I take things past “that line”
5. I am needy
6. I can be clingy and need lots of hugs
7. My poop sometimes smells bad (this is meant to be funny although it really does)
8. Sometimes I just stay home and am anti-social and closed off for reason not apparent to anyone because I won’t talk when I am bothered or upset
9. I have trouble pulling myself out of “moods”
10. My boobs are too big sometimes (again, for the sake of humor)

Reasons why I am a good friend (trying to redeem myself):

1. I will go to the ends of the Earth for you
2. I will do whatever it takes to make you laugh
3. I almost always have gum
4. I will tell a really bad/dirty joke to make you laugh
5. I will make fun of myself to make you laugh
6. I will always listen
7. I will always care
8. I will always love you no matter what
9. I always have beer
10. I will take care of you

Reasons why I love my friends:
See above 1-10

Someday I hope to not have these unfounded (I hope) insecurities. I hope to realize what everyone else seems to see in me. I hope to be the person my Mom always knew and hoped I could be. Until then, forgive me, I will depend on the kindness of others to see me through. I will constantly ask for reassurances. When you tell me you love me, I will tell you that you don’t while secretly hoping and praying that you really, really do. When I begin to feel that I can’t take it any more I will remind myself that others have it worse. When that stops working, I will end up on your doorstep with a six pack and the desire to talk all night and figure it out.

Have you ever?