Miss me? I did, sort of.

I'm back bitches! Sorry I've been away so long. Been very busy with work, home, underwear modeling.....you understand.

As I mentioned in my last post, Tammy had her baby. Her name is Gianna and she is perfect. I'm hoping to get over to the house very soon so that she gets to know her second Mom!

In other news, I am officially of anti-anxiety meds. Now that I'm thinking "clearly" I can tell you that yes, I am still uber sensitive and emotional. Apparently that didn't go away. I find myself on the verge of tears constantly - and not just from sad stuff. It is like all the emotion that the meds blocked have been saved up in my brain somewhere and are flooding in on me. It's ok though, at least I know I'm still alive.

I've been thinking a lot about mortality. Yeah, it sucks. Maybe it is because at work our patients are mostly old, very sick and clinging to life by a thread. Some day that will be me. Maybe Billy Joel was right when he said only the good die young. I don't know about good, but it would be better than suffering like these poor people. Of course I have no desire to die, absolutely none. I would miss too much stuff here. I mean, I know heaven will be awesome, but do they have NPR up there? I seriously doubt the Catholics would allow it.

The thing about our patients is that half the time we can't even talk to them directly. They are hard of hearing, or deaf, or suffering from dimentia, or just so overwhelmed that they shut down. So we end up talking to their spouse, or their kids, or grandkids. It hits me hard because that could be me. The family members are often times my age. I guess I can see my future in them when God forbid I have to make plans for one of my parents to undergo open heart surgery.

And I'm just in the office. I can't imagine being one of the nurses, doctors, etc. taking care of these poor people in the hospital.

Maybe a career change is in order. Maybe go to the other end of the spectrum and work with newborns or something. It would have to be healthy newborns because I think even more of me would die everyday if I had to deal with sick children. Nothing sadder than that.

Also, I've been thinking a lot about my relationships with other people. Sometimes I feel like I should just lock myself away and not inflict me on anyone else! I don't think I'm mean or ultra needy, but I don't always feel like being happy and making conversation. Sometimes it feels too much like work. On those days, or sometimes weeks/months, I just hide out at home. Not sure if anyone else understands it, but that's just me.

You know what sucks? Having to socialize during one of my oversensitive moments. I feel like such a complete idiot. Like nothing I say is right. Like people are just enduring me and not really enjoying my company. Like when I'm not looking they are rolling their eyes and wishing they could trim the fat and be rid of me.

I would say I feel confident and normal (whatever the hell that is) about 3 days a month. Hopefully those are days I have something social planned. Otherwise I'll be the asshole in the corner drinking too much and just counting the minutes until I can go hide in my closet.

Aren't ya glad I posted? Yeah, me neither. But thanks for enduring it.