i got the AmEx blues

So, I was going through my mail last night and came across an American Express Blue envelope. I was so close to just throwing it away as I thought it was junkmail. Instead I decided to open it and see what it was. It was my credit card statement stating that I owed $45 for purchased made at LL Bean on 12/8/06.

Here's the problem: I don't have an American Express Blue card. I never have. Ever.

I call the phone number on the back of the statement for customer service. I get a very nice woman. She immediately asks for my account number. I respond with "that's the problem, I don't have an account but I just received this statement saying that I do."

AmEx: Well what is the number on the statement?
Mel: (I read the numbers to her).
AmEx: I do show that you have an account and it has been opened since 2003.
Mel: No, I don't have an account and I never have.
AmEx: O.K.
Mel: I see here that it says I shopped at LL Bean.
AmEx: Yes, I do see that activity.
Mel: I've never shopped at LL Bean in my life.
AmEx: OK, can you hold for a minute?
Mel: Absolutely.

cue cheesy hold music

While I was on hold I convinced myself that this was some sort of scam to steal my identity and that this broad would get back on and require my social security number, date of birth, etc. I made up my mind then and there that this bitch was not getting any personal information out of me.

5 minutes later she gets back on the phone

AmEx: Ok, we are going to open a fraud investigation.
Mel: Ok, that's great.
AmEx: Can you hold for a minute or two?
Mel: Sure.

I then hold for at least 10 minutes

AmEx: Ok, we've opened the fraud investigation.
Mel: Ok, so how will I be notified when this is resolved?
AmEx: By mail.
Mel: Ok, well you have the incorrect address for me.
AmEx: I'm sorry ma'am, we cannot change your address without your card in hand.
Mel: But I don't have a card.
AmEx: And I can't change your address without your card in hand.
Mel: So how do you suppose you'll notify me?
AmEx: By mail.
Mel: Then don't you think it would be wise to somewhere in your system note my correct address so I don't just luck out and get this like I did this time.
AmEx: What is your address?
Mel: (I tell her)
AmEx: That's the address we have.
Mel: OK, well it's not what you put on the envelope, but whatever.
AmEx: So, would you like me to close this account?
Mel: Uh, yeah, considering it is a fradulent account I think that would be a good idea.

I am not making this shit up. And no, I didn't add extra "OK's" to look cool, that's really how I talk. Wow. My teachers would be so proud.