SPF40

Ladies and gentleman, I give you my stepdaughter's boyfriend. Yikes. Just kidding, he's a great guy and this is clearly a very flattering picture.

Hope you are enjoying Florida, Jock. Sure looks like you are!

My hump

It's Wednesday which means it is almost the weekend. Anyone have any fun plans?
We are going to a surprise 40th birthday party on Friday at the Polish hall (ah, my peeps) and I'm looking forward to some good food.
In other news, did you know that Lo Lo broke her ass? She did. It's on her blog. Go check it out. Ill wait.......
Last night I went to dinner at Bar Louis with Dave, Sue and Brian. Brian bet me $5 to drink a bottle of hot sauce. I said I'd do it for $20. He declined. I then bet him to drink the bottle for $5. He wasn't expecting that. He drank the bottle and I paid him. I suspect his ass wants to kill him today!
Yeah, this post sucks. So does Nick, that's why he's a slut.

Also, I really want this print for our living room. I think it rocks.

Mel OUT

Retiring my mop

I hired a cleaning lady today. I'm thrilled! Now if I could just hire a chef and personal shopper I'd be golden.

psycho much?

Thursday is so Must See TV again. The Office, Scrubs and Grey's Anatomy were freakin' awesome last night. Needless to say, I'm tired of ending every episode of Grey's with me in tears. Enough already.

So, you know how I'm kind of a freak and afraid of everything? No? Ok, well I am. I thought maybe if I explained some of the fears/anxieties you may understand better.

1. Elevators
The anxiety about elevators is two-fold. Firstly, it is a very small space and I'm usually plastered up against the back wall because too many people have shoved in. So I got the claustraphobia thing going. Secondly, the elevator is basically held up by a cable. A cable, people, that could snap and send us plummeting to our death. Seriously. It has happened. Obviously not to me personally, but it has happened in the history of the world.
Unfortunately I have bad knees and feet which sucks the hairy brown eye and so sometimes at the end of the day I need a ride on the lift to get up to my car in the parking garage. I wish I could put into words the anxiety I feel. It is sort of a feeling that I'm going to die, seriously that is how I feel. There is a hotel here at work and that elevator is even worse. It moves fast and you can feel it and it dumps you out in this huge crowded lobby which heightens my anxiety. Ugh. It is awful.
2. Flying
Holy hell, this is probably the worst. I love to travel, see places, vacation but I hate flying so much that I cannot get excited about making vacation plans. And this is getting worse as I get older and as I see more horrible things happening in the world. When Dave, or anyone, starts talking about flying off to Italy I immediately get sweaty and dizzy and my heart starts racing and I have to walk away or make them stop talking about it. Told you I was a freak. So, up until this point I have been able to overcome this fear and fly. I hope I can continue to do that as I really do want to see loads more places.

Really this could go on forever, but we'll start with those two things. I won't bring up right now how I only feel safe at work within my department, mostly at my desk. I hate walking the skyways as the pillars that they are on could get hit by a car and I'd go smashing to the ground. Also they have access panels in the floor that I avoid like the plague because one could open as I walk over it and send me smashing to the ground. I hate the cafeteria because it is so crowded and chaotic and just doesn't feel safe to me. I rarely if ever go there alone and many times you can here me utter to my friends to "get me out of here."

Maybe some images to help explain how I see the world compared to how you see the world.

Normal person:

Here is how everything feels to me...chaotic and dangerous.

Stuff

My Mom thinks Howard K. Stern was involved with Anna Nicole Smith's death, like he caused it. And she always says the K. We'll see how that plays out.

In other news, Nick is still a man slut and Lo Lo apparently is obsessed with that damned ground hog.

I can see nearly perfectly. Lasik surgery kicks major ass. The recovery was very fast and results immediate. Like immediately after the finished it felt like my eyes were literally on fire. I couldn't open them, they wouldn't stop tearing and I couldn't see. Dave led me around as we had to go to the pharmacy and then get me 1/2 sandwich to take the percocet or whatever they gave me. I was pretty miserable. Got home and took a 4 hour nap. Wow, what a difference when I woke up. Things were still a bit cloudy, but I really could see. And the pain was gone. I would highly recommend it.

I get my nephew Andrew tonight as I'm watching him tomorrow while my sister goes out and works the streets, so I'm pretty excited! Meeting her at the Cheesecake Factory after work, along w/my other sis and my hubby and all their mens and childrens. Good times.

Oh, and I'm quitting smoking......again. So, if I'm more of a bitch than normal you've been warned. I believe I've picked this coming Monday for the quit day. I absolutely MUST make this happen.

Lastly, I didn't want to switch to stupid google blogger but it forced me. That's bullshit.

i got the AmEx blues

So, I was going through my mail last night and came across an American Express Blue envelope. I was so close to just throwing it away as I thought it was junkmail. Instead I decided to open it and see what it was. It was my credit card statement stating that I owed $45 for purchased made at LL Bean on 12/8/06.

Here's the problem: I don't have an American Express Blue card. I never have. Ever.

I call the phone number on the back of the statement for customer service. I get a very nice woman. She immediately asks for my account number. I respond with "that's the problem, I don't have an account but I just received this statement saying that I do."

AmEx: Well what is the number on the statement?
Mel: (I read the numbers to her).
AmEx: I do show that you have an account and it has been opened since 2003.
Mel: No, I don't have an account and I never have.
AmEx: O.K.
Mel: I see here that it says I shopped at LL Bean.
AmEx: Yes, I do see that activity.
Mel: I've never shopped at LL Bean in my life.
AmEx: OK, can you hold for a minute?
Mel: Absolutely.

cue cheesy hold music

While I was on hold I convinced myself that this was some sort of scam to steal my identity and that this broad would get back on and require my social security number, date of birth, etc. I made up my mind then and there that this bitch was not getting any personal information out of me.

5 minutes later she gets back on the phone

AmEx: Ok, we are going to open a fraud investigation.
Mel: Ok, that's great.
AmEx: Can you hold for a minute or two?
Mel: Sure.

I then hold for at least 10 minutes

AmEx: Ok, we've opened the fraud investigation.
Mel: Ok, so how will I be notified when this is resolved?
AmEx: By mail.
Mel: Ok, well you have the incorrect address for me.
AmEx: I'm sorry ma'am, we cannot change your address without your card in hand.
Mel: But I don't have a card.
AmEx: And I can't change your address without your card in hand.
Mel: So how do you suppose you'll notify me?
AmEx: By mail.
Mel: Then don't you think it would be wise to somewhere in your system note my correct address so I don't just luck out and get this like I did this time.
AmEx: What is your address?
Mel: (I tell her)
AmEx: That's the address we have.
Mel: OK, well it's not what you put on the envelope, but whatever.
AmEx: So, would you like me to close this account?
Mel: Uh, yeah, considering it is a fradulent account I think that would be a good idea.

I am not making this shit up. And no, I didn't add extra "OK's" to look cool, that's really how I talk. Wow. My teachers would be so proud.