Oh Canada.....

You are so toast! That's right, 7 of my fellow Americans are coming. Yes, we are coming. And we will drink all of your wine and give you are money in the Casinos and crack jokes coming back across the border to the U.S. Such jokes as when the border agents ask us "Do you have anything to declare?" I will respond with "I declare your damn casino took all of my money." Just like in years past you will not laugh, though I will nervously.

If you haven't guessed already, we are taking a weekend trip to, um, Canada! Yep, we leave on Friday afternoon and head up to Niagara Falls. There is a huge wine festival, and being winos and all we figure we shouldn't miss it. Wanna hear some crazy stuff that I dread before a trip? I thought so.

1. Our hotel has 18 floors and I am stressing that our room will be above say the 4th. My reasons are two-fold. I am afraid of heights and I am afraid of elevators. I would much rather be on a floor where I can comfortably utilize the stairs. Also, I don't want to be on top because it is pretty windy up there from the Falls and all and I'm fairly certain that the very weekend I am there will be the weekend that the hotel is knocked over by said wind. I'd rather be on the bottom where I can haul ass down the stairs and get outside before the building topples.

2. I am dreading crossing that 4 million foot high bridge that connects us. I wonder how many other people that keeps out of Canadia? It won't keep me out but I'll be white knuckling the entire time we are sitting on that bitch of a bridge. I'd almost rather go down below and swim the river. Seriously.

3. My friends want to have dinner in the Skylon Tower. Tower people. Need I say more? Seriously, Rick has been wonderful telling me that we can go somewhere else since I'm so afraid. He is so cute. When I told him I've had nightmares about since I was a kid seeing as how my parents forced us to go in it (Chris - you were there, you remember. Your mom used her typical restaurant last name of Ryan) he suggested that I face that fear head on and it will go away. If only it were that easy. Anyway, at the time I wasn't terrified. But since that time I've had nightmares that I'm stuck up there and something tragic happens. Either the whole thing falls, or there is a hatch in the top and I have to go through the hatch and slide down the side, which plummets me to the ground, or just as George Clooney goes to kiss me I belch and/or fart. Yes people, scary stuff.

4. I'll be in a foreign country. They all HATE Americans! I'm so screwed.

Please don't feel the need to pick my fears apart. That doesn't work either. By all means feel free to poke fun (Nick, you slut, this is your chance).

Having said all that, I am so looking forward to going. We always have a great time. This year we will be missing a couple (Pat and Kelly), but we've picked up a couple (Jen and Adam, and Adam promised to wear his tux t-shirt. SWEET) so it evens out. Here's the line-up:
Dave and me
Rick and Margie
Alex and Dianna
Jen and Adam (joining the part-ay on Saturday)

We will miss all of you who can't make it. In fact, we will toast each and every one of you on our big wine tour!

All right, I am off to prep for my mounting. Dammit I mean Mounties.