PIMP MY RIDE!

Last Thursday my good friend and co-worker Lo Lo Lova and I undertook an incredibly important project. The following is a recap of said project.

We all have these Rubbermaid three shelf carts that we use to wheel around patient charts, large packages, the occasional lunch tray and on rare occasions after hours, each other. We painstakingly mark these carts with the doctor’s name that we work for so that there is no question as to whom the cart belongs. One of the other @sshole front desks stole one of our carts. It was clearly marked with the doctor’s name. The whores lied and said that “someone” gave it to them. SOMEONE? They couldn’t even give us a name. Whatever. We let them keep the cart….for awhile. One day not long ago (last Wednesday) we stole that beyotch cart back. I will not go into detail as I am not sure who will be reading this. Anyway, we decided the cart needed a makeover so that the front desk would not try to steal it from us again (they are like that too, they would try). So, we decorated it. We pimped it out. We wrote and drew all over it. We fashioned mini-mud flaps for the wheels. We gave it custom plates, front and back as is the law in the State of Ohio. We printed cool pictures of stuff and permanently taped them to the top of the cart. The cart looks SWEET. We were going to install hydraulics, but simply ran out of time (translation, we had done no work for hours and it was becoming apparent that most of our co-workers and all of our supervisors were getting irritated…..although it could have been our incessant giggling whilst decorating). A couple of hours behind schedule we finally finished. We called the woman for whom the cart was revamped and told her she could “come to the shop and pick up her ride any time.” She LOVED it. Although she did say she was uncomfortable wheeling it around work, she still thought it was pretty cool. Her name is all over that bad boy. That’s when we found out that the cart actually was going to be used by someone else – she had simply stolen the cart and wanted the old desk number removed and the new one put on it. Great. Information that would have been helpful 4 HOURS AGO. Whatever, we were still thrilled with our work.

Fast forward to today. Our department gives us a gift for Secretary’s Day….sorry, not calling it that other PC shit. So, they load up the pimped out cart and roll it down here to hand out our Target gift cards and combination flash light/tool box (it’s sweet!). Our supervisor and assistant supervisor are handing them out. They are pushing our custom cart. I am now a little scared……you see they were never supposed to see the cart (I didn’t work that one through when we were actually doing the deed). Our supervisor proceeds to tell us that the CEO…..I’ll wait while the gravity of that sinks in….yes, the C freakin’ EO sees the cart and is pissed. She proceeds to tell us that he wants us to come down to his office to discuss it. I have now soiled my underwear. I have already started packing up my office and resigned myself to the fact that I will be getting a job picking up dog crap for the neighbors because after this no one will hire me. Lo Lo has already worked out a denial plea (yep, that beyotch was going to throw ME under the bus!). She forgets that I have pictures of her grinning next the completed cart. She forgets that I have witnesses that can place her at the site of the cart renovation, with markers in hand. Sure, I was the creative genius behind the cart, but she did the actual work. Her fingerprints are all over it!

I feel lightheaded. I feel like I’m underwater. Every word sounds distorted to me. My face is bright red, my heart rate is dangerously high, my knees are weak. Until I hear, just kidding. JUST.KIDDING. Two words that should have brought nothing but happiness.

This post is getting really long so I’m not going to discuss the wide spectrum of emotions I felt. Suffice it to say that I will kick Lo Lo’s arse for throwing me under the bus. I will NEVER run a chop shop for carts again. I will carry a spare pair of clean undies from now on.